I left to girls camp this last week to be a cabin mom/youth leader to the girls in my church. I was happy to get away for a little while and have a change of scenery. In a way I wanted to get away from all the normalcy's of life which included the birthing stuff. The e-mail lists, the blogs, the books, the shows. I just wanted to have a simplified day where I didn't think about birth. I didn't want to wonder if I'd get my vbac, if I'd find the right provider, if and when I will be ready for another pregnancy...delivery...baby. I guess I've felt a little overwhelmed lately which is my own fault as I can't seem to keep myself away from all the resources out there. I've felt myself begin to get overworked when reading things, especially those things that leave me feeling helpless in achieving what I really want. Unfortunately I allow these emotions to effect me and follow me throughout my day. At times it has effected my ability to be happy, and in turn concentrate on what needs attention right now {my family}. It's a balancing act that I'm continuously attempting to master.
I will admit that it felt good to just take a break from the birth junkie inside of me. I relaxed those parts of my brain and heart and just lived moment to moment. Because birth is something that effects every women and human for that matter, I should have guessed it would come up at some time while at camp. And alas, it did.
While waiting for my girls to finish their certifications a woman near bye began saying that she hoped she could have twins or triplets so she could have all of her kids at once and they could just "section them out" of her. Sadly, there wasn't much shock involved as I have heard these types of comments before. I kindly responded letting her know that a c-section isn't the easy risk-free option she thought it was. Short, simple, one sentence, and then I stopped. I didn't want to let it bother me, not here. I gently tucked my soap box away and continued on my day.
The next evening I sat at a dinner table with another woman who spoke about birth. She mentioned that she had 4 children; 3 unmedicated hospital births and then the 4th at the birthing center with a midwife. "What was it that made you want a birth at a birthing center instead of a hospital?" a friend of mine asked her. She then related how when her second child had been born, that the hospital staff felt that she wasn't breathing well enough and rushed her off to the ICU before she even got a chance to touch her. Five hours later, and after several tests, they found nothing wrong with the baby. After finally returning the baby to her mother and getting a chance to nurse etc., the baby started breathing normally again. Ouch...Instantly my heart began to hurt thinking of my own daughter being rushed to the NICU for breathing problems and staying there for 18 hours. After all the tests they told us that there was nothing really wrong and things just "fixed themselves." It was then that I finally got to hold her out of the NICU and nurse her for the first time. My eyes stung and began to water but I sucked it up. Not here, not now. I didn't say a word, just sat there looking down at my food. I knew if I said something that I would start to cry and this was not the place.
I have mixed feelings about being a "birth junkie." I love learning all there is about birth and hearing the amazing birth stories and it's something that I feel very passionate about. At the same time I hate the hurt that comes along with the bad memories and wondering whether I will be able to have a better birth experience. I hate having emotional wounds that still sting even though it's almost been two years. On the other hand, it's those bad experiences that drive me to work harder and compel me to be a "birth junkie" in the first place. It makes me wonder how some women find balance amongst everything that drives them in life.