38 Weeks And Counting

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I will be 38 weeks on the dot!

 I have been meaning to post on here for months, but it just never happened.

Here I be at 37 weeks! 

And here's a quick catch up from the last time I posted.

A week or so after I last posted, Kevin and I decided we were all in for a home birth, whether my insurance was or not. I think he saw the emotional toll it was taking on me, phone call after phone call with the insurance, and he didn't think it was worth it. It was a struggle for me, being ok with the  the financial part of it, but there is still a good chance that they will pay for part of the birth (after I go through the appeal process). All in all it's money, and it's not going to break us. If my insurance does smart up and pay for their portion, it may actually be the same cost as it was for Dallin. Either way, we will be ok, and thank goodness for tax returns!

In November, I hired Kimberly Flake again to be our doula. I'm excited for her and her birth pool to be at our house come labor day:) She came over and gave me a prenatal massage which was wonderful. We went over my birth plan (one I used for Dallin) in case of a transfer, just so we could get that over with and set out minds on the fact that I'm having this baby at home:) We talked about where to put the birth pool and a few other things. She offered to take pictures using our camera, and will also encapsulate my placenta like last time.

At 32 weeks I started my hypnobabies home study course. This is the same childbirth prep I used with Dallin's birth, and I'm hoping to get the same results. It's been difficult finding time to listen to the scripts every day, but I do them pretty much every night as I'm going to bed. I fall asleep a few minutes in, but they say that even if you are asleep that they will still benefit you. We shall see:)

Two weeks ago, I had my 36 week in home appointment with my midwife Anne Marie and student midwife Nikki. We had a nice visit, and I was glad that Kevin was able to be there. It was the first midwife appointment he has been to this pregnancy, other then the ultrasound at 20 weeks. For about a month prior, I had slowly started gathering all the home birth supplies on the list she gave me. At this appointment I had them all ready in Josie's co-sleeper. Looks like a mess kind of, but it is actually quite organized...atleast for me:)

 

 We gave them a quick tour of our house, and talked about the set up that we will have in our bedroom for the birth. Anne Marie asked Kevin if he wanted to catch this time, and we decided that either him or I would catch, assuming that we are in a good position to do so. I'm excited!

For those who are curious, here's part of the homebirth supply list. The only things we needed to buy were the birth kit, coconut water (for hydration), some drop cloths, and an aquarium net. The rest of the stuff was already in our house, and just needed to be collected. This of course, doesn't include all the supplies that my midwife will be bringing to the birth.

 

At my last appointment I got some red raspberry leaf tea (Mormon-friendly peeps), and have been drinking one cup every day. The herbs are suppose to help tone your uterus so that contractions will be more effective. It does not induce labor, but strengthens the uterus, and so I decided to give it a try. I've also been making sure to continue all my supplements. I'm not a big fan of taking any sort of pill, but since I know the good they are doing it makes it easy.

Every night before bed I take a prenatal (rainbow lite one a day), two calcium magnesium (generic,saves me from charlie horses in the middle of the night!), and two flax oil (barleans-great source of omega fatty acids). Overall I have felt really good this pregnancy. Healthy, although I do have the usual pregnancy discomforts, but there isn't a supplement for that:) I believe the supplements are helping a lot.

It's kind of crazy thinking that I am actually going to have a home birth, and in about 2 weeks! It's been a dream of mine ever since I started researching birth options after I had the twins. I thought that once I had the OK to have a home birth that I would be so ecstatic and bouncing off the walls wanting to tell everyone. That hasn't been the case. I feel good about our decision, but it's more of a good normal peaceful feeling. It reminds me of when I gave birth to Dallin, and how I wondered if I would cry or yell something in excitement like many VBAC moms do, but instead I just felt like that same peaceful good feeling. Like it was the way things should be. Kind of the same thing I think.

Now I just wonder when she is going to come, and how her birth will be. I envision labor starting in the morning or afternoon, and then giving birth in the evening or early morning. I can see it happening within a 24 hour period, and I can see it being quicker then last time. I can see myself laboring in the pool again, and giving birth there, although I will go wherever I feel like at the moment. Our bed and a birth stool will also be options. Her due date is January 8th. My guess is the 5th or the 12th because everyone in our family but me is born on the 5th or the 12th. Then again, maybe she'll join me on the 16th:) I'm horrible at guessing though, but I'm glad she will come when she is good and ready. That is what is most important!

I made it to a temple session this last week, and I was so glad I did. I really wanted to go before I had her, because I knew things would only get busier. Being in the temple gave me such a peaceful and comforting feeling, and it's exactly what I need going into this birth. I prayed and meditated about her birth, and asked for angels to be here in our home as she is ushered into this world. I know they will be there for me and for Josie, and I feel blessed for yet another opportunity to bring a child into our family.

Wish us luck:)

First Trimester Round Up

For anyone who may be following this blog and not my family blog, SURPRISE! Baby #4 is on their way and expected in early/mid January:)

(baby bump at 9 weeks)

Yesterday I hit the 12 week mark, and boy I am glad to be done with the first trimester! I keep starting blog posts and then not completing them, or not being happy with the way they turn out. My thoughts and experiences are kind of all over the place, and I usually prefer things to be a little more organized when I share. I do want to blog about my experiences and feelings, even if they aren't entertaining for everyone to read and I figure I must start somewhere!  Here is a round up of sorts from my first trimester for those who are interested, and for myself obviously:)

Charting:

I found out super early again that I was pregnant thanks to charting. I think I was like 3.5 weeks! Usually you can't get a positive at that point, but the pale line was there. We got pregnant the first time I ovulated after Dallin weaned, which was quite a surprise. I don't get a period when I'm nursing. I had one period a few months after he stopped breastfeeding, and here we are again. I'm not complaining though! Just shocked is all. This baby was meant to come sooner then we had expected for whatever reason:) Another blessing of charting was having a better "guess" date for when this baby would arrive. I'm not a 14 day ovulater, like they assume all women are. I ovulate on day 20 regularly, and so my due date is 6 days later then if I just went off of my LMP. So when I give my LMP I just add  6 days to it. What a blessing to know this information! A week makes a huge difference, especially when you are at the end of your pregnancy. When I went in to my midwives office at 8 weeks 2 days (according to charting) I had an ultrasound which put baby at exactly 8 weeks 2 days. So if all else fails, thank goodness for early first trimester ultrasounds for more accurate due dates:)

Mental Health:

I had some major anxiety issues when I was 4-5 weeks along. Heart pounding, feeling like something horrible was going to happen at any second anxiety. I couldn't sleep well, and I ended up having a nervous break down of sorts 4 days in. I think I had a lot of unresolved issues and concerns with this pregnancy and birth that I didn't realize, and that combined with early pregnancy hormones can be scary! I ended up going in to see my midwives and felt a lot of relief after speaking with them and my husband. I was really worried that I was going to have severe anxiety my whole pregnancy (due to a blog story I read) and it was such a blessing when it went away. I wanted to share because maybe one day a friend or family member will experience something similiar, and it would be good to know that not everyone suffers through it the whole 9 months!

Physical Health:

I was eating the healthiest I had ever eaten, the months leading up to my pregnancy. Lots of whole foods, and very little processed stuff. I read the book "In Defense of Food," and tried to follow the advice as realistically as possible. I was working out at the gym a few times a week, and I felt pretty healthy. Unfortunately, once I hit 6 weeks my senses went crazy and I could no longer palate the meals that I had loved months before. All day morning sickness/nausea kicked in, and I had to start eating every 2 hours to keep it at bay, which took time to get use to.  Weeks 6-8 were the worst of the first trimester. Nothing sounded good, and yet I HAD to eat every 2 hours if I wanted to feel anything close to "good." I found out by accident that my prenatals and supplements were making me really sick, and immediately stopped taking them. I tried a whole food based prenatal instead, but it made me dry heave for 2 hours. I tried chewable childrens vitamins, but they gave me a stomach ache too. My body wanted nothing to do with vitamins of any sort, and so I listened to it. I had lost 4 pounds within a 2 week span due to not being able to eat enough food and feeling awful, and taking prenatals was not worth that in my opinion. My midwife said I could take a short break from prenatals, and that it was more important for me to be able to eat enough food. In the last week the nausea has subsided, and now I just get stomach aches a couple times a day. I feel SO much better, and I am so grateful! I haven't been able to work out very much, but I plan to start again now that I am feeling well. I still can't fathom eating a green vegetable (other then lettuce), but I hope that will go away soon too. I haven't gained any weight, but I think part of it is because I lost some weight earlier, and lost some muscle from not being able to work out. I look very pregnant already, and I'm sure the scale will reflect that soon.

Birth Plans/Thoughts:

Oh mercy. I set myself up for failure early in this pregnancy. By that I mean that once I found out I was pregnant, I just assumed that I would feel awesome about having a homebirth. It's been a dream of mine to have a homebirth, and well I just wanted it to be an automatic this time. So I waited for that warm, fuzzy feeling, you get when something is so right, and I did so without any preparation or real searching or studying. I had not interviewed a homebirth provider or anything, I just wanted Heavenly Father to just "give me" this one. Ha! Just "lay it on me," and skip all that busy work. Right? Well I waited for that warm feeling.....and lo and behold, it never came. I felt so confused and sad, lost you could say. Yet, I can look back and say "you silly girl! what were you thinking?" Eventually my brain began to work again, and I stopped obsessing with needing to know RIGHT NOW whether a homebirth was right or not. It was still on my mind, but I had to stop freaking out that I didn't know whether it was right or not. I have my part to fulfill when it comes to searching, pondering and praying, and Heavenly Father always upholds His part. I also realize that I need to humble myself, and be ok with going to the hospital, if that is what feels right. Dallin's birth helped me get over my fear of being in a hospital, and while I would prefer to be home, I know I could do it in a hospital again if necessary. I am not anti-hospital at all, I just think how nice would it be to have this baby in our home, in the sacred space that feels so safe and peaceful.  How nice to not be removed abruptly during intense labor, fly in a car half way across town, give everyone in the hospital a show, and worry about the possibility of a baby being born in the car, or on the way to the delivery room, or at home without a medical provider present?  I came across homebirth kits online, when checking out some homebirth providers, and I swooned. I loved how simple they were and how little is needed for birth in most cases. The simplicity of it all attracts me. If I can find a competent provider that will assist me in a homebirth, and Heavenly Father confirms to me that it is right, I will do it. If I cannot, I will stay with the Bethany Midwives, as I feel a genuine support from them, am confident in their abilities and love the ones I've gotten to know so far. Right now I have two midwives to interview. They are pretty much my only options at this point when it comes to a homebirth (because of AZ laws) and so I have some homework to do:)

And there you have it, 12 weeks in a nutshell!

Good, Better, Best

A couple weeks ago, I was messaging a friend who had just decided to change providers half way through her pregnancy. She wasn't going to settle for less then what she wanted, and I was so happy to hear it. Included in my comments and advice to her I wrote: "Even if the drive is long, if it means finding the right provider, then it's worth it." After typing that, I realized that I wasn't taking my own advice. To not settle, to explore every option, and not get stuck in this *comfortable* state, which in my case comes from not wanting to put forth any more effort. I am grateful for her example, because it challenged me to do the same.

This past Thursday I drove across town, and interviewed a group of midwives who have privileges at a hospital in Phoenix. I had originally thought that they were not an option for me due to insurance issues. When I found out that wasn't true a month or so ago, I had already chosen a provider, and I felt somewhat *comfortable.* So I made them my "Plan B", and I brushed it aside. I told myself there was no *need* to change, so why should I waste my time interviewing them? The practice was further away then my current provider, and anyone who knows me well, knows that I HATE driving in Phoenix or anywhere unfamiliar. It was a little stretch for me.

I found that the midwives were much more on my side when it came to my birth plans, and I could tell that they genuinely believed that I could VBAC successfully. They made me feel like a healthy pregnant mom, and not a liability or big risk they were taking. Talking with them was really refreshing. I also toured the hospital which had a few amenities that I felt would provide me with a better birth experience then the current hospital choice.

It was good news overall, but I had been expecting to feel some overwhelming sense that this was where I needed to go, and that feeling wasn't there. This is a feeling I have been praying for ever since I found out I was pregnant. To know without doubt where I need to be for this pregnancy and delivery. To know what was *best* for my baby and myself.

I left puzzled as to what I should do next, and as I drove away a general conference message given a few years ago came to my mind. It was entitled: "Good, Better, Best," and was given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. The talk was about attaining our spiritual and personal best, by not settling for those practices and habits that are just *good* or *better*. It was about going that extra mile to attain what we considered our personal *best*.

Suddenly I couldn't help but feel that staying with my current provider was

*good*

that transferring to the midwife practice I had just interviewed was

*better*

but that I had yet to find the

*best.*

When I got home, I read my scriptures and said a prayer asking for help. I couldn't help but feel so confused as to what step I needed to take next. Immediately a thought came to my mind, and I decided to make a phone call. It was one that I had thought about making in the past, but was told that it probably wouldn't amount to anything.

I called a Naturopathic Doctor/Certified Professional Midwife that can legally do home births after cesareans in Arizona. As I have mentioned in previous posts, it is illegal for a midwife to assist in a HBAC in Arizona, although it is legal to do so in several surrounding states. This ND/CPM is one of the two that I have heard of that have done HBACS before. After being told by others for the last year that she probably wouldn't consider me as a client because I didn't have a previous vaginal birth, I had pushed this option to the back of my mind. Suddenly, I had a feeling that I needed to at least ask.

I left her a message.

She called me back right away.

We have an interview this week.

I can't tell you how excited I was when she told me that she would take me as a home birth client. For me to have another option, and one that I had previously thought could never become a reality felt so wonderful and exciting. I don't know how things are going to pan out, or if a home birth or this provider is going to be right for us, but I know that I'm getting closer to the *best* that I've been searching for. If anything else, at least I will know that I tried. I will be able to come to a decision knowing that I explored every option and that I did find what was *best*, whether it has us in the hospital or not.

I'm sharing this experience because I think that sometimes it's easy to get comfortable with a certain provider, or a certain way of doing things that might seem good enough at the time. It's harder to pull yourself out of this *comfortable* rut, and put forth the effort to find something better, or to look into options that seem foreign or unfamiliar. Sometimes you don't know if there will be anything better out there, and that alone can keep you from searching. Sometimes what you are doing is already the *best* and you just need to confirm it within yourself. Even if it seems too late in the game, it's not (as long as the baby hasn't been born yet). At almost 6 months along, I still have time and choices as limited as they might seem. Ultimately, no one can know what that *best* is but yourself, and it will be different for every mom and every pregnancy.

Hopefully after exploring each option available, I will be able to find what is *best* for my baby, and myself, and I can move forward knowing that there was no rock left unturned.

The Perfectly Passive Patient

{if you looked it up in the dictionary you would see this picture next to it}

I am a very passive person, and it has always been part of my nature. So when someone cuts in front of me at the grocery store, or if the Mary Kay lady blatantly lies to me about "winning a so called prize" just so she can get into my house and get me to buy stuff, I turn the other cheek. I avoid confrontation at all costs, and I magically transform into a doormat. Call me nice, a little too nice, and too afraid to be anything but that.

My nature wasn't any different in the hospital, and lucky for them it transformed me into the perfect patient. I rarely asked any questions and just did what they told me to do when they told me to do it. I agreed to do things even when it felt wrong or didn't make any sense.

I complied to the IV and having to lay in bed during contractions.

I complied to being starved for 21 hours because they weren't ready to define what was happening as "real" labor or not.

I complied to staying the night, even though they had promised to decide whether I was in active labor my midnight and never did.

I complied when the nurses came in every 30 minutes throughout the night to adjust the three monitors that were digging into my 38wk pregnant with twins belly, leaving me with little to no sleep.

And all of this happened while I wasn't even in real labor, although I didn't realize it at the time.

And this was just the beginning.

The bottom line is that a LOT of things that happened to me and my children at the hospital felt VERY WRONG, and I didn't do anything about it. Blame it on me being a first time mom and not knowing what to expect, or blame it on the respect I have for medical professionals. Blame it on my fear of confrontation or my want to be a good patient and to be like able.

I like to think that I've come a long way since then, and I have tried to convince myself that I will never be that passive patient again. I've learned so much in the last year and half, and I look at things so differently now. I'm done with having things done to me or my children without my consent, or without any information. I'm done with being the doormat.

Unfortunately my first appointment for this pregnancy had me repeating these same patterns. The nurse practitioner told me they needed to do a "swab" even though I had a current pap. They proceeded without even telling me why they were doing it, or asking me if I wanted to do it. I didn't realize the error I had made until my drive home. I just started crying and at the time I couldn't figure out exactly why it made me so upset. It was just a stupid swab...right?

When I got home I did some research on the Internet to find out why they did what they did. Knowing the purpose didn't really help, because although I was mad at them for not discussing the purpose of it first (aka informed consent), I was really mad at myself for just letting them do it without asking why or whether it was necessary or not. I couldn't help but feel like a failure all over again.

Coming out of my passive shell is a work in progress, and to be honest I still worry about how I will fare in the hospital setting again. While I have a lot of control over who my immediate birth team will be, I have no control over the nurses and other hospital workers that will also be there. Will they be supportive of my wishes? Will they try the same things they tried last time? Will I be the same passive patient I was last time and end up losing all control? I don't know...

So I'm arming myself

with

research

childbirth prep classes

hynobabies

a supportive health care provider

a great doula

a husband (who is also birth educated)

and faith

that Heavenly Father can make

the seemingly impossible possible

because in the end

He is in control.