A couple weeks ago, I was messaging a friend who had just decided to change providers half way through her pregnancy. She wasn't going to settle for less then what she wanted, and I was so happy to hear it. Included in my comments and advice to her I wrote: "Even if the drive is long, if it means finding the right provider, then it's worth it." After typing that, I realized that I wasn't taking my own advice. To not settle, to explore every option, and not get stuck in this *comfortable* state, which in my case comes from not wanting to put forth any more effort. I am grateful for her example, because it challenged me to do the same.
This past Thursday I drove across town, and interviewed a group of midwives who have privileges at a hospital in Phoenix. I had originally thought that they were not an option for me due to insurance issues. When I found out that wasn't true a month or so ago, I had already chosen a provider, and I felt somewhat *comfortable.* So I made them my "Plan B", and I brushed it aside. I told myself there was no *need* to change, so why should I waste my time interviewing them? The practice was further away then my current provider, and anyone who knows me well, knows that I HATE driving in Phoenix or anywhere unfamiliar. It was a little stretch for me.
I found that the midwives were much more on my side when it came to my birth plans, and I could tell that they genuinely believed that I could VBAC successfully. They made me feel like a healthy pregnant mom, and not a liability or big risk they were taking. Talking with them was really refreshing. I also toured the hospital which had a few amenities that I felt would provide me with a better birth experience then the current hospital choice.
It was good news overall, but I had been expecting to feel some overwhelming sense that this was where I needed to go, and that feeling wasn't there. This is a feeling I have been praying for ever since I found out I was pregnant. To know without doubt where I need to be for this pregnancy and delivery. To know what was *best* for my baby and myself.
I left puzzled as to what I should do next, and as I drove away a general conference message given a few years ago came to my mind. It was entitled: "Good, Better, Best," and was given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. The talk was about attaining our spiritual and personal best, by not settling for those practices and habits that are just *good* or *better*. It was about going that extra mile to attain what we considered our personal *best*.
Suddenly I couldn't help but feel that staying with my current provider was
*good*
that transferring to the midwife practice I had just interviewed was
*better*
but that I had yet to find the
*best.*
When I got home, I read my scriptures and said a prayer asking for help. I couldn't help but feel so confused as to what step I needed to take next. Immediately a thought came to my mind, and I decided to make a phone call. It was one that I had thought about making in the past, but was told that it probably wouldn't amount to anything.
I called a Naturopathic Doctor/Certified Professional Midwife that can legally do home births after cesareans in Arizona. As I have mentioned in previous posts, it is illegal for a midwife to assist in a HBAC in Arizona, although it is legal to do so in several surrounding states. This ND/CPM is one of the two that I have heard of that have done HBACS before. After being told by others for the last year that she probably wouldn't consider me as a client because I didn't have a previous vaginal birth, I had pushed this option to the back of my mind. Suddenly, I had a feeling that I needed to at least ask.
I left her a message.
She called me back right away.
We have an interview this week.
I can't tell you how excited I was when she told me that she would take me as a home birth client. For me to have another option, and one that I had previously thought could never become a reality felt so wonderful and exciting. I don't know how things are going to pan out, or if a home birth or this provider is going to be right for us, but I know that I'm getting closer to the *best* that I've been searching for. If anything else, at least I will know that I tried. I will be able to come to a decision knowing that I explored every option and that I did find what was *best*, whether it has us in the hospital or not.
I'm sharing this experience because I think that sometimes it's easy to get comfortable with a certain provider, or a certain way of doing things that might seem good enough at the time. It's harder to pull yourself out of this *comfortable* rut, and put forth the effort to find something better, or to look into options that seem foreign or unfamiliar. Sometimes you don't know if there will be anything better out there, and that alone can keep you from searching. Sometimes what you are doing is already the *best* and you just need to confirm it within yourself. Even if it seems too late in the game, it's not (as long as the baby hasn't been born yet). At almost 6 months along, I still have time and choices as limited as they might seem. Ultimately, no one can know what that *best* is but yourself, and it will be different for every mom and every pregnancy.
Hopefully after exploring each option available, I will be able to find what is *best* for my baby, and myself, and I can move forward knowing that there was no rock left unturned.