{if you looked it up in the dictionary you would see this picture next to it}
I am a very passive person, and it has always been part of my nature. So when someone cuts in front of me at the grocery store, or if the Mary Kay lady blatantly lies to me about "winning a so called prize" just so she can get into my house and get me to buy stuff, I turn the other cheek. I avoid confrontation at all costs, and I magically transform into a doormat. Call me nice, a little too nice, and too afraid to be anything but that.
My nature wasn't any different in the hospital, and lucky for them it transformed me into the perfect patient. I rarely asked any questions and just did what they told me to do when they told me to do it. I agreed to do things even when it felt wrong or didn't make any sense.
I complied to the IV and having to lay in bed during contractions.
I complied to being starved for 21 hours because they weren't ready to define what was happening as "real" labor or not.
I complied to staying the night, even though they had promised to decide whether I was in active labor my midnight and never did.
I complied when the nurses came in every 30 minutes throughout the night to adjust the three monitors that were digging into my 38wk pregnant with twins belly, leaving me with little to no sleep.
And all of this happened while I wasn't even in real labor, although I didn't realize it at the time.
And this was just the beginning.
The bottom line is that a LOT of things that happened to me and my children at the hospital felt VERY WRONG, and I didn't do anything about it. Blame it on me being a first time mom and not knowing what to expect, or blame it on the respect I have for medical professionals. Blame it on my fear of confrontation or my want to be a good patient and to be like able.
I like to think that I've come a long way since then, and I have tried to convince myself that I will never be that passive patient again. I've learned so much in the last year and half, and I look at things so differently now. I'm done with having things done to me or my children without my consent, or without any information. I'm done with being the doormat.
Unfortunately my first appointment for this pregnancy had me repeating these same patterns. The nurse practitioner told me they needed to do a "swab" even though I had a current pap. They proceeded without even telling me why they were doing it, or asking me if I wanted to do it. I didn't realize the error I had made until my drive home. I just started crying and at the time I couldn't figure out exactly why it made me so upset. It was just a stupid swab...right?
When I got home I did some research on the Internet to find out why they did what they did. Knowing the purpose didn't really help, because although I was mad at them for not discussing the purpose of it first (aka informed consent), I was really mad at myself for just letting them do it without asking why or whether it was necessary or not. I couldn't help but feel like a failure all over again.
Coming out of my passive shell is a work in progress, and to be honest I still worry about how I will fare in the hospital setting again. While I have a lot of control over who my immediate birth team will be, I have no control over the nurses and other hospital workers that will also be there. Will they be supportive of my wishes? Will they try the same things they tried last time? Will I be the same passive patient I was last time and end up losing all control? I don't know...
So I'm arming myself
with
research
childbirth prep classes
hynobabies
a supportive health care provider
a great doula
a husband (who is also birth educated)
and faith
that Heavenly Father can make
the seemingly impossible possible
because in the end
He is in control.